My funny friend & me
by Mentallyconfusedidiot
Summary: What happens when a girl finds a certain italian vampire in the empty playground outside her house? She adopts him of course!
1. Hello, Goodbye

**Authors Note: I blame this on a conversation I had with a friend on facebook :**

**"_Aro is a really interesting and original character_**

**_and there are NO FANFICS ABOUT THE GUY_**

**_he's like the kid at the playground nobody talks to : (_**

**_not that anyone SHOULD talk to him without wearing a padded suit and safety goggles but _**

**_still"_**

**Also, I'm going to try to bring all sides of his character into this – as many fanfics I've read tend to focus on only one aspect of it at a time. But mostly I'm just writing this for a laugh, so don't be surprised if it gets a bit random.**

**HIGH HO SILVER, AWAY!**

* * *

**Hello , Goodbye**

_You say "yes", I say "No"_

_You say "Stop" , and I say "Go,go,go"_

_Oh no._

_- The Beatles_

I came out of the movie theatre at app. 1 am, the air was freezing so I huddled into my winter coat and shoved my scarf around my neck as tight as it would go without choking me. Beside me my best friend Heather tried to do the same while talking happily about the movie we had just seen. I let her get the excess giddiness out of her system before I got to put my 2 cents into the conversation, after all – she was the twilight buff and not me. I just found the whole thing just a little bit absurd, what with the imprinting on infants and whatnot. But I smiled at her enthusiasm, it had been an entertaining one hour and forty minutes after all.

As we walked to the tube station we discussed the fighting scene at the end:

"Okay I admit, when they showed us Carlisles head cut off I was a little disturbed by it." I said as we headed down to the ticket booth.

"I think bella should have killed Aro like in Alice's vision." Heather said after a moment of pondering.

"Why?" I asked incredulously as we bordered the train headed south of town. I removed the scarf around my neck as it was nearly choking me now with warmth.

"Well he was going to kill Carlisle, that's reason enough I think. Plus he's super evil, duh."

"I don't know, I think Aro is the only character in the whole saga who's actually interesting. " I said while looking out the window at the snow covered scenery we passed along the way. Heather looked at me as if I was a bit mad.

"interesting? Please elaborate on that." She said.

I turned to her and explained .

"Well, we don't know that much about him and yet – you kind of want to know more, unlike with other characters I will not mention. Clearly he's a bit insane and eccentric, but I have the feeling there's a lot of layers to him that we do not get to see. "

Beside me, Heather puffed out a sigh I recognized all to well and I smirked at her and playfully pushed her in the side.

"Yes yes I know, I can't help but feel a little sympathy for the devil alright?"

"Why am I not even surprised?" she said as she buried her face in her hands, but I could see the smile peeking out behind them.

Fifteen minutes later we hugged and parted ways outside the central station south of town and I took the night bus home to my flat. Thankfully it was almost empty save for two elderly ladies, I'd hate to run into potential rapists and thugs as one is prone to do on a regular Saturday night. I chose a seat near the back of the bus by a window and let my face relax for the first time that evening as I let my mind wander. I remember when I had seen New Moon, and how Bella first met the Volturi. I remember looking after fanfics with Aro in it, but to my everlasting surprise – fanfics with him in it were few. It didn't make sense to me, the guy was like Dracula's even more sinister cousin on a sugar high and yet, nobody seemed to pay much attention to him.

I could imagine him on an imaginative playground, a dark silhouetted figure standing alone with nobody to play with while all the other kids flocked around Bella and her Edward. I snorted quietly at my line of thought. It would probably also be very wise not to approach a man like Aro, at least not without some protective head gear and a padded suit on. Maybe a translation guide to Italian as well wouldn't be so wrong.

"_Ciao__signore, come__non si tratta di__me__mangiare?"_

Or maybe even better:

"_Ti prego__caro__dio__io voglio vivere!" _

Yep, both sounded like excellent first things to say to a massmurdering italian psychopath, I mused.

As I got home, Diana – my black cat, greeted me at the door by meowing quietly and swishing around my ankles so I almost fell face first on the shoe carpet in the hall. If that's not love and affection, I don't know what is. Diana and I shared a sort of hate/love relationship, my grandma had given her to me as a gift when I turned 16 mostly because she wanted to be rid of the thing. Diana was the sort of cat that liked sitting on your face at 4 am, bite your toes under the covers and smash at least one piece of crockery a day, even though I made sure to keep anything fragile out of her feline reach.

But then, every time I was feeling particulary low or sad – she'd snuggle up to my side on the couch and purr loudly until I was feeling better.

After filling her bowl of water and emptying the litter box (my god the smell) I made myself some smoked tea and changed into my pj's.

Before sitting down in the living room to enjoy a bit of light reading before bed, I momentarily checked my appearance in the mirror. I hadn't washed my hair for a few days (or the rest of me) but I decided to do that in the morning. I had really short black hair cut into a bob, so it wasn't really noticeable if it went unwashed for another day, I'd just have to push the greasy bangs out of my face.

Sighing and rolling my eyes at myself I went back into the living room and picked up my book and started to read. An hour or so later I decided it was time to go to bed, but as I was shutting of the lights I paused infron of my living room window. Right outside there was a small playground for the children who lived in the apartment complex, with a set of swings and a tower they could climb. What made me pause was a repetitive creaking sound coming from outside, as if someone had forgotten to close a gate. But as I looked closer at the swing sets, I could see a man sitting there. I knew that there could be a few hobos out there at night, but those were usually loud and drunk – this man (from what I could see in the dark) was very still and quiet. It creeped me the fuck out, and I momentarily thought about calling the cops, but then he was just sitting there, that's not exactly a crime.

I knew I couldn't go to sleep while that guy was still right outside, but I didn't know what to do about it either. I looked at diana who was lounging on the couch, as if she would know the answer, she just glared at me as if saying "stop being such a sissy" before she jumped off the couch and padded into the bedroom to presumably burrow down into the covers and fart into them. Eventually I decided to just try and ignore it and so I turned off the lights and went to bed.

An hour later :

Creak.

Creak.

Creak.

DAMMIT! I could not fall asleep no matter how hard I tried, that creaking sound was driving me nuts, and the more I thought about the mysterious man the more I felt bad about it. Maybe he'd just been through a rough breakup and needed someone to talk to? But then again, could be a rapist. I looked out my bedroom window – yep, he was still there. The noise was coming from the fact that he was sitting on one of the swings, swishing back and forth. After debating with myself for about twenty minutes, I put my winter coat over my spongebob pj's and slipped into a pair of boots and grabbed a baseball bat on my way out. At least I wouldn't go out unarmed.

As I opened the front door the creaking stopped abruptly but the man did not move from the swing set. I approached him warily with the bat behind my back, hoping I wouldn't have to use it. As I got closer I could see more clearly what he looked like with the help from a nearby streetlight. He didn't look up as I approached. His pale skin was the first thing I noticed, the second was his long red cape that billowed out behind him.

The third thing was, well –

He was wearing the exact costume Aro wore in the movie I had just seen earlier. Not only that, but his eyes (which were firmly trained on the ground) were also that deep shade of red and the all over resemblance was uncanny.

Huh, well that's interesting. Or incredibly weird, take your pick. It must obviously be a cosplayer that somehow got lost from a convention or something and now he's (she?) is sulking about it.

I lowered my bat and leaned against it casually as I asked "hey, are you alright?"

Then he looked at me, and for some reason, I felt incredibly stupid for asking. The man was sitting in an empty playground at 2 Am, dressed like a vampire, of course he's not alright. He quickly looked back down and continued swinging away, but he was smiling as he did so.

"No." He said quietly, his smile sort of erratic and desperate, eyes darting left and right. I recognized that look well, I used to smile like that when I was really stressed out about something and all you could do about the situation was smile like that.

"Well, do you need any help? Do you need to use a phone?"

"A phone?" he asked, his tone light and friendly but his expression anything but as he tilted his head to one side as he regarded me. He was silent for a long moment then, still staring at me with those wide red eyes, never blinking. Then suddenly without warning he stood up,eyes still on me as he dusted of his clothes and said "I'd much rather appreciate it if I could borrow the use of your gabinetto, if you wouldn't mind."

"uhhh..." Was my intelligent reply as I stood there with my mouth open. Should I let this guy into my apartment? Was that really such a wise decision? He still hadn't blinked, not even once – and there was a strange look of hunger upon his face which did not make me feel any better. Nope, defiantly not. Then I realized he was still waiting patiently for an answer.

I was so dead.

"Ehm okay, just follow me." Why did I do these things, why why why? It's like I invite unwanted stress and potential threats to my life willingly.

He nodded carefully and smiled a whole different kind of smile, he looked like a deliriously happy clown now.

"sì il mio giovane." He whispered before he followed me back inside.

* * *

Translations :

"Hello sir, how about not eating me?"

"Please dear god I want to live!"

Gabinetto = toilet,lavatory,bathroom

"Yes my young one."


	2. It's Been A Hard Day's Night

**It's been a hard day's night**

_It's been a hard day's night_

_And I've been working like a dog_

_It's been a hard day's night_

_I should be sleeping like a log_

_But when I get home to you_

_I find the things that you do _

_Will make me feel alright. _

_- The Beatles _

As I was busy contemplating what my funeral would look like and who would mourn me the least, the man dressed as a vampire gracefully stepped into my tiny apartment and surveyed it quietly without commenting on the general mess which I suppose I was greatful for. Diana stood in the doorway to by bedroom, watching the scene with her customary bored glare. She probably hoped the stranger would assassinate me so she could have the place for herself. As I turned back to see what the wannabe vampire man was doing he'd picked up the plastic skull I kept atop of the living room tv, idly turning it from side to side as if inspecting a pricey antique.

I coughed loudly to get his attention, which felt stupid and who does that anyway?

He put the skull down, walked towards the balcony door and asked, his voice almost sing-song like :

" So you live here alone?"

"Uh, yes. Just me and my cat, Diana. I'm sorry but didn't you say you wanted to borrow the bathroom? I asked as he surveyed the view out the window for a moment before he turned around swiftly, clasping his white hands infront of him and gave me another dose of "hello- eeriest-smile-in-the-world".

"So I did, please – show me where it is." He said, sounding like an overly polite flight stewardess. I pointed towards it at the end of the main hall and said "it's right over there."

"Thank you." He bowed slightly and went into the direction of the bathroom. A minute later I heard water running and so I sat down on the couch to wait for him to come out. Five minutes later he came out, and for some reason he looked – offended almost.

"Your bathroom, it is pink." He sneered, his tone of voice almost sullen like a child's.

"Yes, I happen to like pink." I said, quite amused at how something like this could sour his mood.

He just stared at me for a moment, a stunned and simultaneously horrified expression passing over his face.

"What?" I asked, "Pink is a nice colour!"

"Nizza il retto di una mucca" he muttered quietly, suddenly staring off into space.

Geeze, was this guy on drugs? Maybe I should call the police after all. But as if hearing my thoughts his red eyes darted towards mine suddenly and softly he said "You think I'm here for some more... nefarious purpose don't you?"

_(Well gee mister, how ever did you guess?)_

"And you're not?" I asked, one eyebrow cocked in disbelief.

He clasped his hands infront of him, hummed and swayed his head from side to side jovially as if he was deciding a far more pleasant matter than wether or not he should violently kill me.

"No, I am not." He said finally, as if he'd just decided that chocolate was indeed better than vanilla.

I could only stare at him incredilously before I asked "You just decided that didn't you?"

"Yes!" He said happily, as if there was nothing wrong with that statement at all.

"So...not to be rude or anything, but you've been to the-uhm, gabinetto already so it's probably best you leave now. " I said, having enough of this obviously deranged man.

"Oh, there is one other thing..." he said, suddenly looking sheepish.

"What?" I asked impatiently.

"Well...I am afraid I must ask you of another favour – would it be possible for me to stay here for the remainder of the night? "

I regarded him through slitted eyes for a moment before replying " And if I say no?"

"Then I will graciously take my leave and not bother you any further. I wouldn't dream to oppose upon a lady ." he said, bowing his head towards me like some sort of prince.

But I wouldn't budge, nope.

"Sorry but I think you've overstayed your welcome." I said, opening the front door for him.

Then goddamn it if he didn't look a tad heartbroken and deflated as he slowly passed by me out the front door. Then he swooped down and nearly bowed over my right hand as he kissed it lightly, and of course I started blushing like mad.

"Farewell mi giovane ragazza" he breathed against my hand before swiftly turning around to leave while shooshing his cape dramatically.

"Don't you have somewhere to stay?" I couldn't help but ask at his retreating form. He stopped and turned around to look at me.

"I believe I saw a perfectly comfortable park bench earlier which will do nicely." He said.

Damn it all.

Just as he was about the walk away I yelled "Wait!"

He stopped but he didn't turn around.

What the hell was I doing!? Inviting a certified maniac dressed as a vampire to spend the night!? But he'd been perfectly civil after all...

...this has nothing to do with the fact that he kissed my hand and called me a lady.

Not at all.

I sighed wearily, already regretting what I was about to do.

"Oh come inside then, can't let you sleep in the park wearing that fancy getup. " I muttered.

He turned around and smiled like a happy (rabid) puppy before following me back inside.

Damn my generous impulses,you do NOT INVITE STRANGE MEN DRESSED AS VAMPIRES TO SLEEP ON YOUR LIVING ROOM COUCH WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!?

_(I don't know, but I'm sure there's plenty the matter with me)_

Yeah, especially when I'm having a conversation with myself in my head. Why is my mind so complicated, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.''

_(How am I suppose to know, I'm just your mind)_

I gathered a pillow from my bedroom and the blanket from my bed and went out into the living room and handed them to him, which felt strange, because he was dressed like royalty and here I was – handing him my spongebob pillow and my hello kitty blanket. But as I tried to hand them to him he shook his head.

"Oh I have no need for those, but thank you all the same." He said.

"Well..okay?" I said, leaving the pillow and the blanket on a nearby chair in case he changed his mind. He buttoned off the long red coat and draped it carefully over the side of the couch before sitting down on it to ehm – stare into nothing. He didn't even undress.

"Goodnight then?" I said dubiously and shut off the living room lights.

He cocked his head at me in the dark and smiled, his teeth gleaming " Goodnight." He whispered.

Ughhh...

For safety sake I locked the bedroom door before crawling into bed, not that it would be easy sleeping with him in the next room anyway.

Not even 5 hours later, I awoke to the smell of cat butt.

"DIANA! GET OFF,EWWWW!" I near screamed as Diana jumped off my face to run away and hide somewhere. That cat is out to get me, I swear. Then I noticed that my bedroom door was unlocked, which set my heart racing as I sprung up from the bed, fearing something may have been stolen.

But nothing was stolen, infact. Everything was where it was suppose to be, clothes strewn on the floor,halfeaten sandwhich under the bed.

This was very strange, because I thought at least something would be stolen –perhaps my virginity was!? I quickly peered into my pj pants – nope, everything looked normal, except for the mole. No I do not have rodent shoved down my pants - I'm not that kinky, I have a really ugly shaped mole in my crotch and everytime I see it I frown. After checking my nether reigons I quietly went into the living room to see how my visitor was doing. But he wasn't there, the blanket was neatly folded and draped over the couch and the pillow tucked into a corner of it decorativly but the wannabe vampire man was nowhere to be seen. But then I saw that he had left the red cape and wondered if he had forgotten it when I heard clatter of silverware in the kitchen. I quickly padded over there to discover a rather suprising scene :

Fake vampire man was standing with his back to me by the stove, wearing an apron (MY apron) and idly flicking pancakes in a cooking pan while humming along to some italian opera number on the kitchen radio. He had pulled out the weird looking berette from his hair and now it hung freely in dark mahogney waves down his back. Somewhere in the back of my boycrazed mind I reluctantly agreed that it looked damn sexy. My dirty and coffee stained dining table was now polished clean, there was a vase on the table I did not even remember owning filled with wild daisies, there was a fresh pot of coffee (COFFEEEE) and he'd also set the table with a plate and utensils. I just stood there in the doorway, completly stunned for a minute.

Then I dove straight for the coffee pot. No matter what urgent dilemma I find myself in, coffee is always the answer. He turned around from the stove just as I had filled a pink cup to the brim with milk to complement my delicious beverege. I noticed that he had yet to take out the contacts in his eyes and wondered idly if theygave him any discomfort, it certainly didn't show.

"Ahh, so the little principessa has awoken from her rest at last. " he said in that sing-song voice of his. I blinked, that sentence combined with the apron he suddenly reminded me of my own mother for a second.

"Uhm, yes. Good morning...thank you for making breakfast."

"It was the least I could do for letting me stay the night, now please sit! " He said and pulled out a chair for me. I did as he asked, all the while eyeing him warily as I sipped at my coffee. He sat down from across the table and smiled at me.

"Oh and I do apologize, I did not introduce myself properly last night- I am Aro."

I snorted as I stabbed a piece of pancake dripped in syrup.

"Oh right, of course. I already knew that."

His whole frame stilled and he BLINKED.

"Really?" His voice dipping into a tone I hadn't heard before. It didn't sound promising.

"Well yeah, Aro of the Volturi – you're a cosplayer aren't you? Speaking of which your costume is amazing. "

"I think there has been some misunderstanding here. I am indeed Aro, but I am not a..."cosplayer" as you call it." He said with a slight sneer at the end of the sentence.

"Oh really? Then why don't you prove it." I said with a smirk on my face, playing along with his idiocy.

He went quiet, rested his face against his right palm and stared at me for a moment – expression oddly serious. Then he gracefully reached his left hand over the table towards me, palms up.

"Take my hand."

"Why?"

"Weren't you the one who wanted proof?"

I shrugged and let him grasp the hand that wasn't sticky with maple syrup.

"Knock yourself out."

"Oh that won't be necessary." He said before taking my hand in his.

He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, making weird hissing noises as he clutched at my hand.

I almost snorted at this, but I didn't want to offend the poor guy.

Then as suddenly as he had closed his eyes he opened them again and smiled wickedly at me.

"My my, what a delightfully perverted mind you have la mia fiamma po 'creativo!"

I blinked, confused (and slightly nervous).

"What, so you're saying that you read my mind? Bollocks."

He regarded me still with that wicked gleam in his eyes before he innocently skimmed the newspaper as he asked " Then I guess you don't fantasize about Daniel Craig tying you up to your bed post using pink satin ropes as he rides you into ecstasy?"

I made an almost strangled sort of animalistic noise as I choked on my coffee, spitting it out on the table.

"How did you – you couldn't possibly have – no. "

He tapped a finger against his temple "And I believe you found my hairstyle "sexy" just a short moment ago, am I right? My god, your mind does revolve alot around fornication doesn't it?"

I could only stare at him with wide eyes.

It really was him.

Okay, don't panic, don't panic.

There's just a mass-murdering italian vampire sitting in my kitchen, that's fine isn't it?

Should I play dead? But he would know if I did wouldn't he? I mean he can probably hear my pulse as loud as a rammstein concert in his ears. What to do, what to do – by this point I was hyperventilating. But before I could do anything he raised a hand up as if to calm me down.

"Oh do not be alarmed, I mean you no harm. I told you so last night didn't I? "

"Yes, but – "

He flicked another page in the newspaper loudly, interrupting me " Relax young lady, I have no intentions of ending your life anytime soon. Now would you pass me a pen – I plan to do the crossword puzzle. "

My vocal chords weren't working at the moment, so I wordlessly handed one to him.

"Grazie." He whispered, eyes glued to the paper.

The rest of the breakfast passed in stunned silence on my part, as I finished eating up the pancakes all the while staring at the very real vampire from across the table. That is until Diana stroked against my legs under the table and promptly bit my calf.

* * *

Italian Translations:

"Nice as a cow's rectum"

"young girl"

"Princess"

"My little creative flame"

"Thank you"


	3. Stop, Look and Listen

_Authors Note_ : Just a little warning, you may or may not have noticed already but I'm not afraid to curse like a sailor – so if that sort of thing bothers you, you should turn back now before it's too late.

Here is Jareth the Goblin King to say the message in his own words accompanied by the philharmonic german orchestra of baked beans and a thousand hamsters knocking their heads together:

_(btw we couldn't afford a wind machine so the author will stand just below him with a hairdryer)_

Jareth : Turn back Sarah….turn back now before it's TOO LATE…

*He tears off his clothes in one swooping motion to reveal his glittery naked body covered in whipped cream and pistachios*

…TOO LATE TO MISS MY CHIPPENDALE EXTRAVAGANZA SHOW!

_(author smacks herself for being a pervert and turning the authors note into a rambling farce)_

ON WITH THE STORY!

* * *

**Stop, look and listen**

_You better_

_Stop, look and listen_

_You might be missin' kissin'_

_If you're travellin' slow_

_You'll go a long long way _

_- Patsy Cline_

"Heather!" I hissed into the receiver of my iphone, I was standing in the bedroom with the door closed in hopes of that Aro wouldn't hear anything.

Which was stupid.

"Hey Mina, what's up? "

Oh did I forget to mention? My parents named me after Draculas number 1 sexual conquest. Isn't life just grand?

"Uhm, you need to get over here. Now." I whispered while trying making sure that Aro wasn't listening in. Which seemed pointless really, the man probably had the hearing of a bat.

"Why? What have you done?" She asked, immediately suspicious.

"I haven't done anything, technically…"

"What do you mean, technically?" She asked, frustrated.

"Okay, I might have done something…I'm not sure."

"okayyyy…"

"Look, just get here as soon as you can."

"Right, fine. But this means you're buying me dinner later."

"I promise I'll buy you a diamond ring,just **come**." I hissed urgently.

"Okay, okay, see you in 20." I hung up the phone and threw it on the bed as I hastily tried to dress for the day, all the while worrying what Aro might be doing in the kitchen now by himself. Diana was still lurking about out there, maybe he'd decided to gobble her up or something. Of course that wouldn't be a total loss…

I shrugged on an old football jersey and stepped into a pair of multicolored briefs, yanking them up quickly and then found a pair of black leggings that really were too tight around the waist which somehow seemed less important at the moment as I shimmied into them while stumbling out of the bedroom. As I walked back into the kitchen, I saw that Aro had abandoned the crossword puzzle and that Diana had curled up contently in his lap as he scratched her neck with deft fingertips.

Traitor.

They both looked up as I came in but only one of them smiled, I'll leave it to you to guess which. I needed something to do with my hands so I went over to the sink and filled the teamaker with water before I said:

"I have a friend coming over soon so we can discuss this…this… "situation"." I dared a glance in his direction to try to gauge what his reaction was but he just nodded and continued to stroke Diana's back meditatively. I put the water to boil and then I turned around to lean on the sink as I looked at him.

"Look I have to ask, I know you said that you won't harm me but – aren't there…more of your kind? What about them?"

" Oh there aren't any." He said as lightly as if he was saying that the grocery store was out of apples.

"….Excuse me?" I was truly baffled to hear this.

"I have been cast into this world alone, there is no one else." For once his face took on an almost sorrowful expression, but it was sort of muted as if being this grave was something he usually didn't allow himself. It was a contrast to his usual behavior, but then again I'd only known him for app. 8 hours so far.

"Oh." I said quietly, suddenly feeling a bit sad for him.

"Yes." He said equally quietly back, and then we were both silent for an awkward moment until it was broken by Diana who loudly farted in his lap.

"I believe your cat just gave wind."

"Yeah, she does that a lot." I said offhandedly, as I was used to it. I bit my lip and moved a lock of hair behind my ear as I was thinking of how to phrase what I was going to say next, remember my habit for generous impulses?

" Listen, this might come as a strange suggestion –especially given the fact that we just met last night and you're a sophisticated massmurderer– but you could stay here, you know, just until you can "make your own way" so to speak."

Was I really inviting not just a "fake" vampire but a very real one to come live in my flat indefinatly? But before he could answer, the doorbell suddenly buzzed and Diana jumped down from Aros lap to hide under the couch.

"Ah, that would be Heather." I said as I went to open the front door. Just before I opened it I turned back my head to stare at him and I asked " I know this seems twistedly rude to ask, but you won't hurt her will you?"

"Your friend is safe." He said and smiled slightly, but the look in his eyes didn't exactly calm my nerves.

I nodded at him anyway, "Right, good. " I said before I opened the front door to another smiling face, this one less manic and deranged.

"Hey girl!" Heather said loudly, a bottle of wine on one hand and a copy of "Pretty in pink" in the other. She moved past me into the hall to remove her shoes and dumped the wine and the dvd into my hands.

"So, I didn't know what the situation called for but I brought the emergency kit." Heather said as she was bending down to unlace her boots. I surveyed the items in my hands then calmly said :

" I somehow doubt that these things are going to help when I explain the situation."

"What, are you pregnant?" that question seemed somehow a lot more alarming than having a 3000 year old vampire sitting in your kitchen.

"Wha – NO! I'm still a virgin thank you very much you dolt." I huffed and promptly threw the dvd at her head.

"Oh good, then pour up a glass of that would you? I think I'll need some before you explain this "situation" of yours."

That actually seemed like a good idea, better break this news to her when she's a bit tipsy.

"Right, you just…make yourself comfortable in the living room – I'll be back shortly."

If Heather thought my behavior was odd, she didn't say anything about it – but I could see in her eyes that she was starting to wonder just what the hell was going on.

"Uh, sure?" She said and then went out into the living room as I went back into the kitchen to silently freak out a little because Aro was sitting there looking like he was very amused by the situation. Right now, he was the equivalent to the big blue elephant in the room that I now somehow had to expose.

His wide eyes found the wine bottle in my hand and silently he rose from his chair and breaking the code for personal space gently pried it from my fingers. He held up the bottle to inspect the label and hummed appriciativly.

"This is an adequate vintage." Was all he said before he expertly opened the bottle with a flick of his hand and pulled out two wine glasses from out of one of the cupboards over the sink. I wondered for a second how he knew they were there before I remembered that "_oh, right he read my mind and now he probably knows every intimate thought I've ever had."_

I started to panick slightly and began pacing the length of the room while wringing my hands worriedly as Aro calmly poured the wine into the glasses and put them on a little breakfast tray with kittens on it. Then I started talking to myself:

"Okay so- how do I tell her about you? I mean, it can't be blurted out, so my first sentence can't be "Hey Heather, guess who crashed at my place last night: Aro of the Volturi – touch him and he'll tell you your innermost depraved secrets."

"Well you don't **have** to tell her…" he said quietly as he pulled out two napkins and made origami out of them and put them next to the wine glasses.

"Oh yes I do, she's my best friend and I could never keep something like this from her anyway – she'd eventually find out about it."

"Like that time you "accidentally" switched sugar for laxatives in her coffee and she got diarrhea while in the space mountain attraction at disneyland?" he asked innocently while assorting a few cookies in a pretty circle on the tray.

All I could do was stare at him for a second before muttering "Well, it was funny at the time…"

Then I noticed the cookies.

"Hey, are those-"

"Biscotti, yes."

"I didn't even know I had those…."

"You didn't, I went out and bought them while you were asleep. "

I suddenly got a pretty good idea of how he had paid for them too, remembering how my bedroom door was unlocked this morning.

"You didn't happen to use my credit card did you?"

"Hmm." He said and titled his head to one side and he stared at some far off point into the distance I couldn't see before replying " Oh so I did, was I not suppose to?" but his eyes gleamed with mischief as he said it.

"I won't dignify that question with an answer." I said, glaring at him and snatching the tray from his hands.

"Just – please stay here. I'm going to try and butter her up first, I'll call you when she's ready." I said quickly before walking out into the living room to face the music. Heather was busy fiddling with my laptop as I got there, so I put down the tray on the tiny sofa table before I went to her side to see what she was looking at.

She was surfing through tumblr, staring at the glistening abs of Ryan Gosling.

"HEATHER! I've told you not to keep too many tabs up at once, what the hell."

"there are only 32?" She asked innocently and pouted up at me.

I resisted the urge to smack her on the head again and instead shut the computer off.

"Hey!"

"Look, we need to talk – sit down on the couch."

"Fine fine, but this better be worth it."

I didn't say anything to that and instead handed her one of the wine glasses which she accepted with relish.

"Right, ehm – you know how we discussed the movie yesterday?"

"Yeah, I remember. What about it?"

"Well what if- " I licked my lips nervously "what would you do if one of those characters turned out to be real?"

"Real? Well that depends –" She started smiling indulgently and I knew exactly who she was thinking of.

"Not Jacob, or Edward…but like, someone from the Volturi? What would you do then?" I asked and she leant back on the couch with a thoughtful expression on her face, like she was on a game show and I had just asked her the 100 million dollar question.

"Hmm, well – that's a bit different innit? The main difference being that they aren't exactly "vegetarians" and are quite fucking dangerous to put it mildly. "

I laughed, but it came out weird and nervous "Yes true that, but- "

"Oh hello there handsome!" Heather suddenly said and I turned around to see Aro standing in the doorway, apparently tired of waiting to be introduced.

"Oh Mina, you finally hooked up with someone! Well done!" Heather said proudly while grabbing my shoulder and squeezing it.

"No, that's not what – " but I was interrupted by her again.

"And he looks so much like –"

"Heather please! I want you to be quiet so I get so say this." I said to her insistently and she shut up.

I gurgled my throat before I said, quite formally " Heather, may I introduce you to Aro Romaro –leader of the Volturi. Well I guess, former leader now…"

Aro stepped into the room, grabbed one of heathers hands and bowed over it gracefully before he gave it a chaste kiss.

"Charmed, I'm sure…" she said, sounding quite dazed and Aro gave her a sultry gaze as he replied

"The pleasure is mine, _mia cara_."

I just sat there and rolled my eyes.

Then Heather snapped out of it and looked at him with disbelief.

"But he -he can' t possibly be the real – "

"Aro?" I asked her and she nodded furiously. I glanced up at him where he was standing and asked him silently to demonstrate, he nodded and bent down on one knee in front of Heather.

"May I? " He asked as he reached for her hand.

Heather nodded, confusion clear upon her face as she sipped at her wine absently. Then suddenly I remembered something.

"Uh…Heather? I think you should swallow before…" I tried to warn her and reached out my hand towards her wine glass but it was too late.

Aro breathed in deeply with his eyes closed, before he opened them and gave Heather a wolfish grin.

" Well, I defiantly think you should consider buying the double dong – given the recent history of your sexual fantasies of having two men at once."

She spit out the wine in a violent spray across the room and regarded Aro as if had suddenly turned into a nuclear bomb. Then she began edging away from him, all the while bubbling incoherently to herself and pointing a finger violently in his direction. I tried to gain eye contact with her and I put up my hands towards her in a pacifying manner.

"Heather, it's okay…" I said gently.

"NO IT'S NOT! IT'S NOT OKAY!" She screamed, practically vibrating with fear. I tried to explain to her that there was nothing to be afraid of – at the moment at least. Quick – what did my therapist use to say about crocheting?

"I know this is scary, it was for me to at first but in the last half hour or so I got over it."

"He's a vampire, A VAMPIRE! He's going to wring my neck open and suck me dry as a raisin!"

"He's not going to turn you into a dried piece of fruit, trust me. We've talked it over."

"Whu-what?"

"I said we've talked it over and he's not planning to drink either one of us – right Mr. Romero?"

He paused for a moment too long just staring and just as I was contemplating to start screaming bloody murder he answered :

"What kind of guest would I be, If I ate my host and her beautiful lady friend?"

_A terribly hungry one, _I added darkly in my mind.

"I'm just not going to answer that out loud." I said and smiled sweetly at him. He smiled just as sweetly back as his eyes glinted maliciously. Oh dear, were we silently challenging each other with smiles? I guess we were…

Heather poked my arm and I turned to look at her, she looked much calmer now but terribly confused.

"Uh, Mina? Do you know each other or something?"

"Wha- well, sort of. I mean he stayed the night…"

"He stayed the night….?" Heather asked, incredulously – regarding me with that look that said exactly what she was thinking – that I clearly needed some serious help.

"Well, what was I suppose to do?! He had no place to go, besides a park bench! And I didn't know who he was, I just thought he was a drunk cosplayer who'd lost his band of merry men."

Heather closed her eyes tightly and rubbed her forehead.

"Only you could do something like this." She sighed wearily. I turned to Aro standing in the middle of the room , bit my lips and asked:

"Aro, could you give us a moment- alone?" I knew he'd listen in anyway, but it somehow seemed better that he was somewhere else in the apartment as I was sure that Heather had some rather crude things stored up just waiting to burst out of her mouth at any moment.

Aro stared at me for a moment before he inclined his head slightly in a nod before disappearing soundlessly from the room, Diana crawling out from under the couch – following him out.

I stared after his retreating back for a second before I turned to heather again.

And right on cue, she said "God, you haven't slept with him have you?"

"HEATHER!"

"I had to ask, because if you won't I might consider it." She said and sipped her wine with a slight smirk on her face.

"Weren't you just mortally afraid of him but a moment ago?" I asked, confused.

"When it comes to men of any kind, I am seldom afraid." She said and leaned back on the couch, looking very much ready to do unspeakable kinky things. I rolled my eyes and then remembered what I had almost suggested to Aro.

"I think I´m going to let him stay here." I said to her and her eyebrows went up to her hairline.

"You're serious?" she asked.

"Yes, I mean I can't let him roam around on his own out there – we're responsible for him now. Come on Heather, you now what he can do – and what he eats. "

"You're right, but how will we convince him not to eat people? "

"He can get blood packs from the hospital, it's the same thing."

"But do you think he'll agree to that? "

"If I offer him a place in my home exchange for not murdering anyone, well – maybe. "

"Well, let's try!" Heather said, determination coloring her face. We rose from the couch and went to go find the man in question. We found him tweaking with my stack of paint brushes in the bedroom, and as I went by the bed I saw a pair of girly panties sticking out from under the covers. I quickly shoved them deeper under there, rendering them invisible.

"Aro, we have a proposition for you." Heather said, tone all business.

Aro simply put down the brush he was holding, folded his slender hands infront of him and waited.

"Yes, we've decided to let you stay here until you can afford a place of your own but there is one condition for this. " I said, my face stern.

"Oh, and what is this condition of yours?" he asked but I could tell in his eyes that he knew what it was already. I gulped.

"You can't feed on people, which means not killing and not hurting anyone. You don't have to go "vegetarian" though, I hear the hospitals still stock blood packs of all types and variations. So, what do you say?"

He started pacing the room slowly, running his hand over the bookcase and over the walls of the room while regarding me and Heather with wide eyes.

"What if I say no? I could after all, do as I please and leave right now. What is stopping me? " He said, almost as if talking to himself .

"You could, but then – you've stayed this long – you could have just disappeared this morning if you truly wanted to leave." I said boldly, meeting his gaze and I almost detected –surprise in his own. Maybe he didn't know himself why he hadn't left yet.

"We can be your allies and help you protect your identity!" Heather piped up, eyes filled with excitement.

I nodded, "Yes, it would be terribly difficult to do that on your own you know."

He glared, which he had only done once before which raised the alarm bells in my head so I added " Well, not impossible of course but still."

Aro stared at the floor for a moment, and seemed deep in thought.

"Yes well, it would be pleasant not to have contend with only the voices in my head as company – "

He quickly appeared infront of me, having used his vampire speed to do so and held out a white gloved hand. I reached out carefully to grasp it in my own and we shook hands. I observed how cold his hand was in mine, but also how surprisingly big it was. I stopped myself before I started to compare the size of his hand to the size of his –

I pushed that thought away for later.

"Agreed?" I asked him uncertainly.

"Agreed." He said quietly, his eerie smile almost reaching the ceiling as his scarlet eyes twinkled dangerously at me. Oh dear. Then Heather suddenly yelped and clutched at her ankle.

"FUCK IT DIANA! STOP DOING THIS I LOVE YOU!" She yelled in the calm cats face, which it answered by giving heather the customary glare of burning hatred before it stalked away.


	4. Devil in Disguise

Author's note(with spoilers from the latest movie so if you don't want to know look away):

Okay so I finally saw Breaking Dawn prt 2, and basically covered my eyes and ears through all the edward/bella montages and waited for Aro and his italian posse to arrive xD. Man I laughed when during the "pretend battle" he was at first just standing in the background, not fighting but when Jane was killed he was like BITCH NO and just unbuttoned his coat super dramatically and his expression basically screamed

"You FIEND! HAVE AT THEE" before he pounced on Edward like a kid on a happy meal

That part has inspired me greatly for some reason :D

Also, I've decided to include Marcus and Caius later on in the story – because they're too funny to pass up. xD

Ahum, enjoy!

* * *

**The devil in disguise**

_You look like an angel_

_Walk like an angel_

_Talk like an angel_

_But I got wise_

_You're the devil in disguise_

_Oh yes, you are_

_The devil in disguise_

_- Elvis Presley_

The next couple of days passed in a surreal way as the vampire and I acclimated to each other's presence in the tiny flat.

Day 1

I gave Aro addresses to the hospitals in town (again wondering if I should have my head examined) along with a bandit hat, a hammer and a flashlight. He didn't stop laughing until I tried to hit his chest and almost broke my knuckles trying to do so. And of course he gallantly offered to treat my bleeding knuckles but I knew that all he wanted to do was suck on them like a blood flavoured lollipop.

Day 2

I Went to my part time job as usual, at a tiny café across town. When I came home he'd switched off all the lights except for in the bathroom where he'd lighted a few candles. Oh and he was also in the bathtub, naked. I screamed and fell flat on my ass on the cool tile of the bathroom floor and Aro merely scooped up some bubbles and blew them into my face.

Day 3

I found Aro pouring over job applications on the breakfast table that morning, and he read the questions in it to me aloud just so that when he got to the "married, single , separated," part of the application he gave me a pointed grin and ticked " engaged". I almost poured coffee over his head but restrained myself and just picked up Diana and put him in her lap. She delivered a "silent but deadly" one and he sneered delicately and quietly jerked away from her as if she was that tomb casket in raiders of the lost ark that when opened made peoples faces melt off. He'd ditched the extravagant suit and cape and exchanged them for rather nice black office type suits, how he'd paid for them though I had no idea.

Day 4

As revenge for giving him a stink bomb, that morning I woke up to a familiar weight on my chest but it wasn't the cat – it was Aro and he was staring at me with his wide eyes and was somehow also purring. I don't need to tell you what happened the rest of that day, except for the fact that I purchased cat shampoo so that particular scenario could never be re-enacted again.

Day 5

Heather had come over after school for some coffee and idle chatter.

Particularly about undead people.

I hadn't seen Aro for the whole day, not even early in the morning – when he usually sat in the kitchen and did the crossword puzzle or waited for me to wake up so he could try and terrify me in new and unexpected ways. He didn't have to try very hard mind, the night before when I had gotten up to get a glass of water he'd been sitting ramrod straight on the couch in the living room– staring at nothing into the darkness and when he turned his head to look at me, his eyes reflected back at me like a cat's and I got very close to having a real heart attack.

Just as we were talking about where he might have gone to, he appeared through the kitchen doorway and I had to grab heathers arm for support because oh my god he had gotten a make over.

"Good afternoon _signorinas_" he said to us in his heavily Italian accented voice.

He had somehow gotten his hair cut and he was yet again in another new suit but this one seemed more distinguished then the rest. He was also wearing rather expensive looking brown leather shoes which gleamed with polish.

But the hair, my god the hair.

It was as short as any normal guy's hair now, except neatly combed back and so very black in contrast to his pale skin. It made him look younger, more like 25-30 rather than 40. It also brought out his fine aquiline features and made him seem thinner, almost gaunt in weight. He looked a bit like a silent movie actor now, and it didn't seem like such a stretch to imagine him playing cesare from "the cabinet of dr. caligari ". He was carrying a fine leather briefcase under one arm and opening it revealed four blood packs which he began unloading into the fridge. I focused on trying to find this disguisting to distract myself from the lady boner I was having.

Heather was stuttering and appeared to be having just as hard a time as I was.

"Aro….your hair, you cut your hair." She said, but she sounded a bit outraged about it.

"Oh, yes." Was all he said as he prepared a cappuchino mug filled with blood for himself. He'd shrugged out of the suit jacket and underneath it he was wearing a bright read sleeveless cardigan over a white shirt and tie. This, on a normal person, would look a bit ridiculous and old fashioned (one might even mistake him for a walmart employee) – but when he wore it, it made him look like sex on legs.

I fought the urge not to go over there and touch him.

"BUT WHY?" Heather almost yelled, sounding heartbroken. I blinked, coming back to the present. Aro was standing by the kitchen sink, with his back to us –waiting for the blood to heat up in the microwave.

"I was in need for a change you see, after all – when in rome, do as the romans do. " then he snorted to himself before taking out the cup and putting it carefully on it's matching saucer before he turned around and went to sit down by the kitchen table.

"But how did you cut it? Isn't vampire hair suppose to be unbreakable?" I suddenly asked, because that was what I had heard. He took a demure little sip of the blood in his cup before he cocked his head at me and widened his eyes as if suddenly noticing I was there at all.

"I've come to discover that chainsaws are quite effective tools for this very purpose." He said.

"You…you held a chainsaw against your own head?" I asked, trying to picture it.

"It merely sounds messy, I assure you. " he said dissmissivly before taking another sip from the cup.

How did job hunting go today? Any luck?" Heather asked as she took a seat across the table, presuming to drink her own beverage.

"Luck has nothing to do with it but yes, I found a job."

_Really? The guy has been unemployed for 5 days and he's already found something? _

"Well what is it?" I asked, sitting down beside Heather.

"I am now employed with the London National Gallery as one of their step- in teachers and tour guide. "¨

_WHAT._

"Wow, I didn't know they were hiring new people! Congratulations!" Heather exclaimed excitedly.

"Thank you, but they weren't, I just persuaded them."

_Oh no. _

"Prersuaded them? Presuaded them how exactly?" I asked suspiciously, my eyes narrowing at him as he sighed a little and rolled his eyes dramatically.

"Can't an old man have any secrets?" he asked, using his "I'm so charming" voice and I could practically hear heather blushing and swoon beside me but I could read this man better than he took me credit for.

"Not when it's you." I said, frowning.

He fiddled with the handle to his cup for a moment and stared at me with those enigmatic eyes of his – as if trying to tell what I was thinking instead of asking about it like a normal person. Then he abruptly turned his head to Heather and asked "And how have you been this week _signorina_? Well I hope?"

Then they exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes as I observed them talk. It struck me then that Aro knew the ways to charm a girl, and how to flirt with them – as was plainly obvious to see when he talked to Heather, giving her compliments and being incredibly patient as she talked. But then, he'd been around for about 3000 years or so – and he'd spent most of them in Italy – the land where men practically devoured women (oh isn't irony the best?).

I frowned, he wasn't like that with me – now that I thought about it. Not since that first night, anyway. I mean, he did compliment me and flirted as he usually did but there was some kind of different intent to that, with me. When he said such things his eyes would communicate something else, though what I had no idea.

Whatever, what do I know right? Back in 6th grade when a boy named Leo in my class had a crush on me (lord knows why) and when he tried to tell me he made a special "hang-man's" game for me, but since I was too stupid and slow at the time he lost his patience and told me that the word was "cutie pie" as he looked at me with lovesick puppy eyes.

I just stared at him, my face a total blank and I said "really, that's clever!" and then I walked away. I never did understand what that was about until like 6 years later.

Yeah, I've never exactly been great at understanding the whole flirting thing.

Then finally came Friday, and I felt like I could relax a little finally. As I came home that day from art school, intending to kick back and have a movie marathon and drink tons of tea – I opened the cupboard only to realize-

There was no tea.

Like, none at all.

I sighed, made a mental note to buy more at some point.

And when I checked the fridge, it was practically empty save for two blood packs lying discreetly at the bottom of it. I heaved an agonized sigh.

Right then, I really needed to go do some shopping.

Just as I was leaving to go out, I stopped and put a sticky note on the fridge and on it I scribbled –

"**Going out to buy some groceries**

**Don't know if you need anything, but there's still some wine left if you're capable of drinking it!**

**/ Mina "**

Satisfied, I left the apartment to go to the really big grocery store further down the block – I usually went there to shop on Fridays.

Upon entering the store, I was assaulted by the sight of obnoxious Christmas decorations and early holiday music flooding the speakers. An elderly lady was holding up a santa elf decoration, squinting at it as if she expected it to talk. I ducked my head in silent pain and sped through the aisles, intent on just getting what I came here for and nothing else.

_I think both you and I know that's not how it's going to happen_

Oh would you shut up!? I'm just going to buy some tea, some milk and just enough food to last for the weekend.

…_and some soy bean biscuits, that delicious brand of mold cheese, ice cream and why not a few muffins to eat for breakfast tomorrow hm?_

No!

_Oh really? Then why did you pause by the baked goods section?_

….I was just looking!

_You know you're going to end up doing as I say. _

NO I am not! I am a strong willed and disciplined woman!

_I'm just going to sit here and wait for you to tell me I'm right. Which you will. _

Whatever.

About an hour later and three plastic bags full of food, I was on my way home again and it had just started to rain. It was dark, cold and now I was quickly getting soaked.

Damn, maybe if I'd waited for Aro to get home before leaving then he could have helped me carry the bags. But as the saying goes, speak of the devil and he shall appear…

…holding out an umbrella over your head?

…_.and is that the main theme of the twilight zone playing in the background?!It simply can't be!_

I jumped a little as I saw him standing there, not expecting to see him here at all. This close to him I could see that he'd purchased brown colored contacts, to not draw too much attention to himself I assumed. He was also wearing a new khaki colored overcoat that matched his dark suit quite nicely. For some reason I also noted that he had pretty eyelashes, longer than I could ever manage even with mascara. I looked away from him to balance the bags in my arms a bit better , feeling my cheeks grow hot.

Just a bit of artistic appreciation, that's all.

"Hey, did you just get back from work?" I asked him as I cleared my head, shifting the bags from one hand to the other.

He eyed the bags speculatingly for a beat before his eyes returned to mine and said

" Yes, so I did." Then his eyes darted to the bags again, and I could tell he was fighting some sorf of gentlemanly urge so I said "You know, it'd be great if you could carry one of these bags – seeing as there's three of them."

He smiled quickly, relieved – as he handed me the umbrella and took all three out of my hands despite protests. As I couldn't quite reach up to cover his head with the umbrella I left it somewhere in the middle between us, like an inanimate chaperone. We walked for awhile in silence until he giggled and said in a low voice, "Your scent is not so unbearable."

I just stared at him "What?" But he continued as if he didn't hear me.

" Although I do have to argue with your mother and say that no, not so much cinnamon but more like…like –"

And here he stopped and (I'm not kidding) leaned in to sniff my neck and I SWEAR TO GOD there was a small nuclear explosion of the positive kind down in my pants that if inverted to electricity it would have sustained a city like Tokyo for at least a week. I stood very very still as he smelled my neck and after (a lifetime?) two seconds he leant away from me and looked thoughtful, as if he was on a wine tasting .

"…yes, definatly more like strawberry _gelato._" He said to himself, satisfied.

"I'm sorry, gel-what? Jello?" he tsked at me and sighed wearily.

"It's ice cream, for those of you lesser informed…" he muttered snobbishly.

"Guess I'm lesser informed then." I said and shrugged, not really caring what he thought. And trying desperately not to think about how close he'd been to my neck half a minute ago. The sad thing was I didn't even mean that in a "oh I was scared he was going to bite me" way but more in a "that was one of the sexiest things I've experienced since watching batman making out with catwoman when I was 5" kind of way.

We were silent again for a moment.

"How was work by the way?" I asked him, genuinely interested.

"Oh that was a lot of **fun**!" he said, his eyes expressing manic joy as he turned to smile at me. But I wondered at his infliction on the word fun…

"You didn't embarrass anyone did you?"

He gave me a "who me?" sort of look and said "Please, I am not some silly sort of amateur. Of course I didn't."

I gave him a look that said "Oh please" and waited for him to spill the beans.

"Ah , but I did correct a man for mistaking his knowledge of Julius Ceasar. He and his group was most grateful for my assistance.

"He and his –wait. Did you jump in and correct the tour guide as he was working? "

"Well his and my group intersected each other, I heard what he was saying so I had to…help him along a little." I could very well imagine the scene infront of me, but instead of saying something sarcastic about that I simply said "I see." He was helping me with the bags after all, let's give the guy SOME credit.

* * *

Italian Translation:

Gelato = ice cream


	5. You say Tomato, I say Tomato

_**"He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare"**_

**Okay stop.**

**this is NOT that kind of story, you can quit reading now if that is what you're hoping to get.**

**this is more like how Bridget Jones Diary would have been if a member of Monthy Python wrote it and added vampires and pop culture references to the mix. **

**And cookie- monster underwear.**

**Answer to VolturiLover91 :  
**

**No she won't, in this story the dimension hopping only goes one way I'm afraid. But you ARE going to get to see Marcus and Caius soon ;)  
**

**BRING ON THE CREAMED POTATES GRANMOTHER! I'M READY!  
**

* * *

When we got home I wasn't surprised to find Heather lounging about in the bedroom, trying on one of my favorite bras infront of the mirror. Come to think of it, I'd actually never given her a key to the flat – the woman must have swiped my key and copied it somehow when I wasn't aware of it. Can't say I really minded it though , she was my best friend after all.

"Did you get any soy biscuits?" she asked me as she bent forward and pushed her cleavage towards the mirror while pouting her lips.

Such class.

"As a matter of fact, yes I did."

"Ahh! " She squealed and clapped her hands excitedly like a happy seal by feeding hour.

"But do NOT eat ALL OF THEM okay? " I interrupted her, making her roll her eyes in response.

"Yeah yeah, I won't." she said and looked back to the mirror to fiddle with her make up.

"Are you staying for dinner?" I asked while removing my boots.

"Are you cooking?" she asked without looking away from her reflection.

"Well yes that was the plan." I said, confused why she wanted to know. She suddenly gasped out a sharp laugh and almost doubled over.

"Oh great! I could do with a laugh!"

I threw one of my boots at her, which she sadly dodged in time.

"Shut up you ignorant cow! I'm an excellent chef!" I yelled at her. She just gave me a sweet, patronizing smile.

"No you're not, but it's going to be fun seeing you try."

And sure enough, later on as I was plucking out the eggs from the fridge the package fell over in my hands and all the eggs fell to the floor and shattered into a gooey mess around me.

SPLAT!

SPLAT!

SPLAT!

Then I stood there for a moment and just looked at the slimy goo on the floor, mourning their passing as Heather's laugh echoed in the kitchen like a gasping seal being shot by a machine gun. Diana slithered in between my legs(mind out of the gutter please) and surveyed the damage on the floor, then she looked at heather, then me and then she sniffed the raw eggs before settling down to lick it up.

As I was contemplating my life choices and if you really could commit suicide by shoving an entire spatula down your throat – a cold hand settled on my shoulder.

"What's happening here then?" Aro asked, his voice quiet and dreamy.

"Mina thinks she can cook – she really can't" Heather gasped out between fits of laughter, her huge breasts jiggling in time with her heaving chest.

"Yes I **can.**" I said desperately as if saying that actually would make it come true.

Aro removed his hand from my shoulder and moved to stand beside me.

"I see. " Was all he said, and so did I as we both took in the sight of the kitchen, the stove covered in tomato sauce from when I opened the can too violently and it all sprayed out. The cascade of bubbles overflowing the pot of overcooked spaghetti. The white tiles by the stove had a piece of ham stuck to it, but it was slowly falling off like a piece of wallpaper –and finally, the floor. The floor covered in raw eggs which Diana the cat was busy cleaning with her tongue.

Then the ham landed there with a sticky splat.

"…SO take out it is then!" I exclaimed with false cheerfulness as I dug out the menus I'd saved for occasions such as these.

There was a whole bunch of different restaurants close to my neighborhood, but you had to take a 5 minute ferry ride to get there. Luckily, those places also offered home delivery!

Because it was Friday and I was entitled to be lazy.

Seriously, I'd like to see you trying to spend a week with Dracula's even crazier cousin and not feel exhausted at the end of it. It's like babysitting a tank of nitroglycerin, never knowing when and if it will explode.

_A tank of nitroglycerin that somehow also makes you blush and think inappropriate thoughts. _

Hush you, mind.

_The longer you lie to yourself, the more it will hurt in the end you know…_

So what? You want me to be like Heather and act on every sexual urge I get?!

_Now you're getting it!_

Ugh…

The next day, I made a point to research the net for "how to make the sexual idiot voice in your head to shut up" and to buy gloves, so Aro could not read my mind again to discover what I'd been thinking about recently.

I bought several pairs in rather nice fake leather which I put in random spots of the apartment, in case I needed them.

Aro noticed this of course, glaring at a pair that I'd left by the front door. He must have known why, but he didn't approach me about it. I guess he respected my want for privacy, if nothing else.

Of course that didn't stop him from speaking up about your innermost thoughts at random, givning his own answers to the questions in your mind, whether you wanted to hear it or not.

It was like internet browser history that you could never delete, and he had access to it at all times .

For instance, I was in the kitchen, peeling an orange when " you are right to not let inconsiderate men court you, those couplings always end badly."

Or

" Yes, if this had been the 15th century you would have been prosecuted and buried alive for talking to yourself."

Helpful little tidbits like that.

It was a funny feeling, being physically attracted to a character from a book I loathed with my entire being. And now that character was here, in my apartment, listening to radio theater and buying Italian sweets with my credit card. Well, the latter he only did once – using my credit card that is.

I wished now though that the book had been more extensive on the subject of the Volturi. There was very little information given about Aro and his "brothers" – except for the barest of basics. But what I had gathered was that his kind of vampire had a constant set of memories, that they never forgot anything. Which means that all the thoughts and memories he's ever collected from people over the years are still there in his mind.

**_Cue the twilight zone music again…_**

What I finally did was resort to older knowledge about them from another source;

Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Although it had stated in the twilight books over and over again that the book about Dracula was farce and incorrect, it said nothing in twilight about vampires suddenly jumping to another dimension, if that was indeed what had happened. So I figured it was better to be safe than sorry to do a little creative research. Luckily I already owned the bram stoker novel, so I all I had to do was pluck it out from it's place on the bookcase and read it. I put it aside and promised myself to look through it – maybe it could offer something useful.

Come that following Monday, Heather had blabbed on facebook and said to a classmate of mine that I was now living with "an italian stallion". Naturally the rumor mill worked fast and soon everyone at school knew about it and the moment I arrived they kept buggering me with questions all day long.

"Where did you meet?"

"Can he play the ukulele?"

" On a scale of one to ten, how squeezable are his pecs?"

"I didn't even know you liked horses!"

" Are you going to marry him?"

Etc, etc….

After trying to answer each one truthfully, I gave up and answered them in the heaviest sarcasm I could muster.

"Of course I'm going to marry him, I just met him after all."

"His pecs are so squeezable, it's like putting your hands in warm jello."

"No but he plays the clarinet very well, if you know what I mean."

All the while searching the classrooms for Heather with a very might need to punch her big jiggly boobs in revenge. Of course she'd made herself scare today, I would too if I knew that someone was on a wrath like rampage to punch me in the chest.

But I digress.

After lunch we had sculpture class with my least favorite teacher , Margarada Köbelheisen. She was like a female version of Arnold Schwarzenegger and in constant action movie mode. Her face resembled a carved pumpkin that had started to implode on itself after standing out in the sun too long and she had a really thick lady mustache. She was a rather large, square shaped woman – who always had a bowl of small sausages on her desk which she constantly munched on.

You can just imagine how many penis jokes has traveled through the school because of this. I don't know if you know this ,but some art students happen to be quite eccentric (and in some cases depraved beyond belief) so there were a lot of pranks going on at the school at all times. Dressing up like Köbelheisen with a basket of dildos for Halloween wasn't unheard of, and even if teachers tried to prevent it (which they did) it happened year after year anyway.

As we were sitting in the classroom waiting for the lesson to start, I was talking to a classmate named Mike. I had gone out with him in the past, but it didn't really work so we agreed to just stay friends. The part not working being the fact that he turned out to be very gay. We were talking about our favorite desserts when I started to think about how it must be like to crave blood. Mike liked horror films and we discussed them a lot, so I asked him:

"Hey Mike, can I ask you a question?"

"Uh, sure?"

"Well…how do you think it must be like – if your'e a vampire and you'd have to be around a living person without drinking their blood?"

"Specific question but okay, well – I guess it must be like – like an avid smoker being told not to smoke a package he held in his hand."

"What do you mean?"

"Right, I forgot – you don't smoke. Well think of it this way –" He leaned down to rummage after something in his bag and finally brought out a snickers bar.

"You like chocolate right? Well imagine a person that's** made **out of chocolate – the most expensive, delicious kind there is, I'm talking Belgian , 70% of cocoa with hints of cinnamon and chili in it. " He held out the snickers bar in front of me, waving under my nostrils like luring a cat with a piece tuna.

My nose followed it obediently back and forth, mesmerized. Did I mention how much I love chocolate?

Then mike abruptly pulled it away and pressed the treat against his neck.

"Now imagine having to see that person everyday WITHOUT eating them. "

My face pulled a myriad of spastic expressions, trying to imagine it – and failing.

Aro must have the disciplined self-control of a monk.

Well I don't!

Then my mouth dove straight for the snickers bar placed against his neck, knocking both of us to the floor in the process. I straddled him as I struggled to catch the chocolate bar between my teeth and Mike tried to push my head away as we both giggled like idiots.

Maturity is overrated don't you think?

Then finally he surrendered and I smiled, my mouth pouncing on the melting chocolate at his neck as he faked terrified womanly shrieks.

"oooOooOOoo! I say, get off of me you foul beast! Help, HELP! I'm a woman in DISTRESS!" he wailed, arms and legs flailing at his sides.

Köbelheisen walked in and when she saw us she nearly had a fit.

"WAS IS DAS….ZTOPPEN ZE MAKING OF ZE OUT! Augenblicklich! "

Our laughter subsided and I gave mike some tissues to clean off the chocolate.

"Sorry Mrs. Köbelheisen , Mike was just explaining to me about the consequences of addiction, It was very helpful."

"And tasty!" Mike added and overexaggeratingly licked his lips in a sensual way as Köbelheisen's face tensed in indignation. Provoking her was always a danger, kind of like poking a dragon in the eye, but it was too much fun to pass up .


	6. It's My Party

**Author's Note: I tried to gain some more data on how Aro's personality would manifest itself, ended up watching everything Michael Sheen related there is to be found on youtube and now I'm completely in love with the man. **

**Response to Maniah's question: Thing is, I've never said I wouldn't make this fic a bit romantic – but it won't be the kind of romance found in the twilight books ; ) **

* * *

_**It's My Party**_

_"It's my party and I'll cry if I want to_

_Cry if I want to, Cry if I want to_

_You would cry too if it happend to you"_

_Leslie Gore  
_

Later on that day I was busy sketching a pottet plant in class when our illustration's teacher Luna came over and poked my shoulder. She was one of the kindest teachers at the school, and since I was prone to forget important dates she usually came over a day or two before to remind me.

"Oh Miss Eagleson? Don't forget that there's the guided tour of Ancient Egyptian art at the museum tomorrow! " she whispered over my shoulder and then floated away to the next student that needed her help.

But fuck, I had totally forgotten about that tour. And now that Aro worked at the gallery the chances of running into him was pretty huge. Not that it wasn't such a problem for me, I was more worried about what Aro would do – what he would say when he saw me with my friends. People already knew I was now living with someone, they didn't neccesarily need to know who with. I'd just have to talk to him about it when I got home, yeah that's it.

_As if he'd listen to you…_

Oh shut up!

When I came home later that day, I found him in the living room,sitting in one of the arm chairs reading an old book and...smoking a cigarettte?

"I didn't know vampires could smoke." I said as I perched on the side of the chair, trying to see what book he was reading. He didn't turn to look at me but dropped his eyes from the book to gaze out the window at the gently falling snow outside while smoke billowed out of his mouth like mist. I noticed that he'd taken out the honey brown contacts, his eyes once again that alluring shade of scarlet.

"Indeed we can, it's just a matter of using our lungs. " he said, voice quiet and deceptively innocent. I shrugged, and tried to read the book over his shoulder while sneaking glances at his enigmatic face. The cool blue light of the snow and frost coming from outside made him look even paler casting dark blue shadows around his eyes, with lips that looked painted a shade too dark to match his skin tone. It was a face that looked almost feminine, if it wasn't for the sharp eyebrows and the prominent greek nose.

"What are you reading anyway?" I asked when I suddenly saw a sentence that I recognized.

"_Feed from me" I begged when his lips parted from mine only to trail kisses of fire down my neck to my chest. Almost five hundred years of experience weren't for naught –with a quick move he had my bra off and flung across the room – "_

Aro closed the book and confirmed my suspicions as he regarded the cover with a small evil smirk. It was a smutty novel I had bought during my Buffy craze called "Sex, lies and Vampires".

"It has an interesting title." Aro said, an amused tone in his voice.

Sometimes I think god put me on this earth for his own personal amusement. No really, I do.

_He probably did. _

I snatched the smutty book from his hands and he looked up at me with raised eyebrows, trying to fake innocence. It didn't really look convincing coupled with those blazing red eyes of his.

"Stop poking around in my room for filthy secrets okay? They're called secrets for a reason."

"And those secrets are no longer secret to me. You forget dear one, I've seen your mind. "

I unconsciously rubbed my hands over each other, I was wearing the gloves.

"Even so, you don't know everything."

He looked down at my hands, almost sneering at seeing them covered. Then he quickly looked away to watch the snow outside the window, expression unreadable. I suppose it peeved him greatly that he couldn't see my thoughts now, being used to being able to so at all times.

"Oh I almost forgot, my class is coming to the museum tomorrow."

"Are they? How pleasant. I'll get to meet your little friends…" he said with an almost childish grin on his face.

"Aro! " I interrupted him in a firm voice "I think it would be a good idea keep quiet about us living together – for now. So please, if you see me tomorrow be…discrete about it. Okay?" I had a feeling that aro might be a bit of a "loose cannon" at times, and this one was one time I hoped that he could contain himself.

He cocked his head and looked at me as he blinked owlishly.

"Discrete, yes. I understand." I retreated a little from his proximity and looked at him with disbelief.

"You do?" I asked him as he got up from the chair to open up the balcony door. Before he made to jump down to the ground outside (because vampires nearly never go through the door) he turned to me and said:

"Of course dear one, do not worry – I'll be the very soul of discretion." Then he turned away and jumped down from the ledge, disappearing in a flurry of his coat that was black as a raven's wing into the snowy light of the pre-evening. Presumably to go prowling the hospitals for more blood, I supposed.

"Well…okay…great." I said to the empty space he had just occupied a moment ago.

_why did I have the strong feeling that he would do exactly the opposite of what I just said?_

The following morning I went to the national gallery where everyone was suppose to gather to go to the guided tour – all the while fearing that Aro would jump out from behind a pillar and embarrass me horribly.

Around 9 am the tour guide arrived and we all gathered around him and quietly accepted broshures about the tour that he handed out to us. I accepted mine and vowed to use it as a shield over my face in case I saw a familiar pale face inside. Although I couldn't help but marvel at all the beautiful paintings and artifacts as we stepped inside and soon I forgot about people at all as I sluggishly tagged along with the group, not really listening to what the guide had to say as I tried to take in all the beautiful things we passed by.

He lead us into the Egyptian section of the museum as he stopped by a large sarcophagus and started talking about it in a passive, monotone sort of voice that would have lulled me to sleep if I wasn't more interested in actually just LOOKING at the object he was talking about. Egyptian history and mummification had always fascinated me, even as a child. Which may seem a bit morbid, but considering my current living situation it should really not come as such a surprise.

Then the tour went on to a great display of wall paintings and hieroglyphics which the guide went on to explain in detail what they meant which was quite interesting and everyone was feverishly taking down notes as he talked. That's when I heard feminine laughter echoing from somewhere far away in the gallery. It was that distinctive laugh a woman produces when she's with a guy – overly girly and perfect.

Then it stopped and I focused on what the guide was saying when I heard it again, this time louder and sharper and it wasn't alone – there were at least three or four of them now. Maybe I was just becoming completely paranoid, but I could have sworn that there was also a terribly familiar voice mixed in there too. I started looking around nervously, and tried to get closer into the middle of the group – as if this would render me invisible.

It didn't really work.

Then not 30 seconds later, that absolute dapper bastard swaggers into the room with a stupid smile on his face. He's flanked by a large group of teenage girls, following behind him like eager puppies. And for some reason they're all holding a red flower each, twirling them around in their hands and stroking them like pets. It doesn't take that long to figure out who gave them those.

As I see this unfold, all I can think about is how much I want to drop everything and run for dear life.

Of course he had to walk in here now, with a gaggle of lovesick girls.

Oh sure, he stops by some mummmificated cats near the entrance of the room and appear to be speaking about it quite academically, but it's orchestrated in such a way that our group and his group will eventually intersect – like how when titanic hit that iceberg but instead of it being by accident some crazy Italian vampire planned it all from the very beginning.

My god has really abandoned me hasn't he?

_But you're an atheist._

Figure of speech .

Just as I think that they are going to pass us by without him noticing me he stops and looks me fucking dead in the eye like "of course I planned it this way so I could have my chanse to terrorize you". I feel like that little kid in the sandman movie who waits for the blue sparkling spectre to stop dancing and either rip my eyes out or blow sand into them.

Then he grips me about the shoulders, smiles and says( rather loudly because of course everyone needs to hear this) " Oh belissima! un angelo appare nel mio cammino!" he bursts out romantically, the words falling out of his mouth in perfect Italian.

Then he leans in to lay two quick pecks on both of my cheeks, and everyone around us either laughs,simpers or aww's at this – while Aro's group of girls are all stony faced and looking at me like I deserve to die. I feel like I should help them along and explain the process of mummification, it would be nice to end up as a mummy.

If the Italian didn't give him away, his next sentence does " bonjourno young ones, I am Minas "flatmate"!" he says happily to our group as I glare at him so much Ifeel my eyes start burning.

* * *

Italian translation:

"un angelo appare nel mio cammino" = an angel has wandered into my path


	7. The Bad Touch

**Disclaimer : I don't own any of the lyrics to the songs and I don't own any of the twilight characters - sad fact it is.**

* * *

Touch- a, touch-a. touch-a

Touch me!

I wanna be dirty!

Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me

Creature of the night

_- Rocky horror picture show_

* * *

Needless to say, I wasn't exactly thrilled with Aro's dramatic outburst. After people had stopped oogling and giggling at his behavior my classmates of course asked me further questions about him, like:

"I thought Italians were a lot more tan, is he an albino?"

"Does he decorate the bedroom with roses and lies waiting for you there, naked?"

"Does he have a constant erection?"

" You must be really sore in the morning!"

I refused to any of these questions and instead pretended not to hear them as we continued the tour. Mentally preparing an adequate punishment involving bleach and iodine mixed in with Aro's "breakfast".

Later on when the tour was coming to an end and everyone was in the entrance hall, I saw at a distance how four of Aro's schoolgirls were huddled around him in a worship circle . And didn't he look pleased? I didn't know if it was because I knew what he was but , there seemed to be an air of something genuinely creepy about the guy and still women flocked to him like flies to honey.

Deciding to get some of my own back, I headed over there with sure footsteps – an evil smirk growing on my face. Smooth like Houdini's oiled bottom, I slipped past the schoolgirls in front of Aro to press up against him and hook my arm through his as I fake beamed up at him.

"Hi darling, I came to remind you to pick up the salve for the mouldy rash on your penis! We wouldn't want it to spread…"

It was like someone had farted, the girls immediately stepped a great distance away from him and looked at him with great distaste. Aro's smile however, didn't disappear as I thought it would. It was the kind of smile that reeked of the pure rage hidden underneath though.

Fabulous! He might kill me for this later, but it will not have been in vain.

_My work here is done _I thought to myself with glee and turned to kiss his cheek briefly.

"See you later cupcake!" I said before skipping away back to my classmates who were just walking out the door, leaving him standing there staring after me with what was probably anger. But when I turned around briefly to look at him as I was walking outside, there was this unfamiliar look on his face. Or maybe it was beause I was so shortsighted, he could be giving me the finger and I wouldn't see it from this distance.

I shrugged, deciding to let it go – for now.

We didn't have any classes for the rest of the day, and since I still had some spare money left over for shopping this month I decided to splurge a little and headed into Candie's.

I thank whoever delightful person brought such a beautiful store into being.

They basically have really tacky, gaudy and colorful jewelry aimed for young teenage girls who like hello kitty and spongebob squarepants – I may not be a teenage girl anymore (I'm gonna get a walker soon and I'm gonna pimp it up and call it bubba) but I DO have the same colorful taste.

I approached a whole wall dedicated to spongebob, my hands turning into claws at my sides and my eyes manic with joy. I glanced towards the saleswoman, she was used to this kind of behavior here. Last week when I walked by they were selling new things from that boyband "some direction" or whatever they're called – I saw girls carried out on stretchers, covered in scratches and nasty bruises from fighting over the last "harry styles 4 my boyfriend" bracelet. Some were sitting on the sidewalk, mumbling to themselves in hysterical voices while the distant sounds of exploading ovaries could be heard from inside where the staff had made the mistake of putting up cardboard dolls of the band.

I picked out a really nice multi colored bracelet that sparkled, a spongebob notebook and –

They had underwear now?

I zoned in on the newly aqquired little aisle by the counter, that featured briefs, knickers and frilly things that looked like something a unicorn would spit out on a good day. And then I saw it –

Volturi themed underwear.

All of them were red with black frilly lining at the waist, and there was a selection of each volturi character printed on the front of them. I knew I shouldn't even be looking at them, but just like when I was five and put five snails in my mouth I just couldn't resist my curiousity. I picked one of them off from the hanger, this one had Caius's face on it.

Then I turned it around and snorted loudly – on the back it said in black lettering " I belong to team volturi" and below it was a picture of the volturi crest.

Oh my god.

WHO BOUGHT THESE THINGS!?

"Can I help you miss?" said the deep, manly voice of the sales woman, snapping me out of my thoughts and making me jump sky high. They hired bodyguard types of people here, who could deal with the mayhem of teenage girls shopping. The last one who worked here had gotten an ulcer and random fits of immediate diarrhea – which gave ample opportunity for girls to sneak in and shoplift while she was busy pooping and crying in the bathroom.

Suddenly feeling pressured somehow with the laser like gaze of this new shop assistant trained on me – I shot out my hand and randomly picked a pair of red panties and put them on the counter along with the bracelet and the book.

"Just this thank you." I said, and for some reason I avoided looking and thinking about the underwear I was now buying because -

_DID YOU FORGET THAT AN ACTUAL MEMBER OF THE VOLTURI NOW LIVES IN YOUR APARTMENT?_

I haven't forgotten.

_THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU BUYING VOLTURI UNDERWEAR FOR!? ARE YOU A MASOCHIST?_

I don't know, it was the lady behind the counter – she made me do it I tell you!

_You…you bought them because she "made you" ? Wow that is…the worst excuse._

It is NOT!

_Ever._

As I got out of the store and walked down the block to the subway I had to check which undies it was and so I dug in my hand in the plastic bag to look….

No.

I looked up from the bag as if it just had inflicted me with a chronic replay of Rick Astley in my ears.

Guess who's smirking, stupid, color printed fucking face was staring up at me through the bag all smug ? NO REALLY – GUESS!

I fell to my knees and flung back my head to wail dramatically at the sky.

I was going to fucking superglue those gloves to my hands the minute I got home. He could never, ever, EVER find out that I had bought girly red knickers with his face on it. I'd sooner die.

When I got home about an hour later however, I couldn't for the life of me find the damn gloves. Not one single pair. But just when I was about to call Aro's cell phone (I'd forced him to get one and he's grudgingly bought it) to interrogate him about their whereabouts, another thought accured to me.

Heather.

The preverbial sexcrazed judas in my small pack of friends.

I called her up, she answered after two beeps.

"Yeah ello?"

"Heather dear, it's me." I said, my teeth clenched.

"Mina baby, how's it going chica?"

"Well gee, you know – it's funny. SOMEONE ,who shall remain namless - blabbed about Aro so the entire school now knows that I'm apparently living with a "Italian stallion"."

"Oh really, wow. That was inconsiderate of them…." She said, tone all innocent and nonchalante.

"And then when I get home, suddenly all FIVE pairs of my protective gloves have gone missing. Isn't that the STRANGEST thing?" I almost snarled into the receiver.

"Oh yeah, wow that's – that's very strange. Can't imagine who could have done that. " she said, her tone sounding more and more smug as she kept talking.

"HEATHER! You are going to fix this or so help me –"

"What? Want me to tell you where the gloves are so you can keep hiding your lovely dirty thoughts from that Italian crypts keeper?"

"YES YOU INCONSIDERATE NINNY!" I screamed into the receiver.

"Too bad, I sold them all on ebay last night. "

"You….sold them. On ebay. "

"Yeah, but don't worry – I'll give you the money I got for them, no biggie. "

"Heather…."

"Oh dang, I gotta go now – Pierre is taking me for a ride in his ferrarri!"

"HEATHER!"

"Ciao !" she chirped merrily before abruptly hanging up.

She may be my best friend but sometimes I really REALLY wish I could hate her forever. And it was too late now to go back outside to buy new gloves, besides I'd already spent my shopping money at candies so I couldn't afford it now until Heather gave me the money she'd gotten for the gloves. I contemplated leaving the flat to go hide somewhere from Aro's sly hands but in the end, it was MY apartment after all –and I'm not going to hide from my flatmate – no matter how perceptive or crazy he may be.

That didn't mean that I could try to keep him away from my personal space.

When he (rather unusually so) stepped through the front door later that night, disposing his shoulder bag in the hallway and untying his shoes ever so gracefully I was attempting to focus on the movie I was watching while out of the corner of my eye keeping tabs on his movements – hoping he wouldn't try to touch me. I was trying for a casual pose on the couch, but I knew I looked like I had a cucumber up my butt – painfully aware of his proximity when he quietly sat down on the couch to see what I was watching.

I tried small talk.

"Hey, aren't you home early? Not prowling the streets tonight?" I asked him, not looking away from the tv, one hand firmly clutching the remote while the other tapped nervously against my knee.

"No, not as such – I have some work related matters to read through for the next day." He answered, his dark voice quiet and calm.

"Ah, I see." I said, my voice hitting an awkward high note at the end and I cursed myself mentally.

He was quiet for a long moment, then I felt him move as he shifted position on the couch and out of the corner of my eye I could tell he was staring at me.

Crap.

"There's something troubling you." He said finally, a statement and not a question.

"ha ha ha" I laughed nervously, oh god.

" of course not, don't be silly!" I said, my smile hysterical.

He continued to stare at me with red eyes narrowed, one hand stroking his chin thoughtfully.

"What could it be…." He said to himself, his voice approaching that sing-song quality that spelled trouble on the horizon. Oh boy.

I pushed the channel button a little harder than necessary, trying to ignore him and act as if I had nothing to hide. Which I was never good at to begin with, I was as transparent as air when it came to keeping secrets.

"I tell you, there's nothing the matter – just tired is all."

And then he inched closer to me on the couch, as I tried to stand my ground and not move away from him as he came closer because that would certainly give me away. There was more than the embarrassing incident with the underwear that I wanted to hide though, and that was my growing physical attraction to this man. Which was what prompted me to throw myself out of the couch and fall against the floor when he reached out a hand to try and touch me, like ducking for an explosion in an action film.

After I had landed on the floor in an ungraceful heap, there was a moment where I looked up to see if Aro would use his hands to help me up – but he was just looking at me with this…stunned and stupefied expression – like jumping off the couch to get away from him was the last thing he had expected.

I had surprised a 3000 year old vampire, another first for today! Huzzah!

Then after a beat I pretended to look for something on the floor, as if I had dropped something. I saw a pen and held it up for him to see.

"Ah here's that pen!" I said randomly, cringing at how stupid it sounded. Of course he knew I wasn't looking for it – the whole world knew I wasn't. He steeped his fingers together palm to palm in his lap and leaned forward – his eyes glittering as he regarded me with something like intense fascination.

"you're such a strange little person." He said, cocking his head to one side – a smile spreading across his face.

"How so?" I asked, one eyebrow cocked in confusion as I looked up at him from the floor.

"You guard yourself so…" he waved a hand in the air as if looking for the right words "...adamantly, you don't wish to get near."

_No really, whatever made you assume that? _I thought sarcastically.

"Why do you refuse my touch? Am I really so repellent?"

"NO! Ahum, I mean no – it's..it's not that. It's just – you're better off not knowing some things." I replied elusivly, looking down to pluck dust off the carpet.

"You could ask me not to look into your mind again?" he asked, his eyes fairly glittering with mischief as he smiled at me wolfishly. I snorted, but I didn't look up.

"Yeah sure, like you're not going to do that anyway."

He leant backwards a little, pretending to look offended.

"I can behave."

"Sure you can."

"Don't you wish me to behave well? " he asked, but something in his voice made me look up to his face. He was leaning back on the couch as he regarded me, the red in his eyes dimmed and darkened to a richer shade. He was an odd figure against the bright flower pattern of the cushions, in a dark and expensive looking suit, arms sprawled out on the full length of the couch. There was no denying that he was attractive though, in an otherworldly quality perhaps. He looked as if he might belong in a black and white movie, with a face as expressive as his.

His tone of voice had been very….suggestive to say the least.

Oh dear.

"That depends on the context." I said through narrowed eyes.

His eyes were laughing at me now.

"Does it? " he asked, but he knew very well what the hell we were talking about.

"Yes. It does. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going in to the kitchen to make dinner." I said firmly, leaving him alone in the living room to do whatever the hell manipulative vamps did for fun that didn't involve killing anyone or spouting sexual innuendo at their flatmate.

Then I heard the rustling of a plastic bag in the living room, followed by a short squeal of mad laughter.

"è questo per me?" I heard him ask and I frowned, not understanding what he was referring to.

Then Aro came into the kitchen holding up that infernal undergarment by his index fingers, his smile so gleeful and smug I suddenly felt the need to board a rocket and fly into the sun.

* * *

Italian translation:

"Is this for me?"


	8. A friendly message from the author

**Author's note: **

**Hi everyone still following this story! I'm supersorry for the gigantious gap in updates, as I'm currently busy with other projects and fanfics - but I have not stopped writing for this story and I will continue with it eventually when everything else cools down (probably around september, early october) but if you want to talk about the characters, the plot or anything else Aro related - PM me anytime!** **:)**

**- Mentallyconfused**


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